Quiet Divorcing: The Perils of a New Relationship Trend (2 of 3)

Why Not Just Legally Divorce?

There are actually several perceived upsides to staying legally married even if the actual relationship is over. First, there are certain tax benefits that a couple loses when they are no longer married. Along the same lines, financial arrangements, family businesses, and dynastic assets become extremely complicated (and expensive) matters that have to be litigated. Second, quiet divorcing allows the couple to more or less exist in peace without the constant bickering and negotiation. Third, as it relates to the well-being of the children, a quiet divorce ostensibly maintains structure and stability in the household, although, for reasons we’ll discuss below, this rationale is questionable.

The Pitfalls of Quiet Divorce

Although quiet divorcing might initially provide some surface-level calm, in the long-term it’s bound to cause legal and emotional complications down the road.

At some point, one or both of the couple are going to start dating other people again, and the whole “I’m still married and living in the same house with my estranged partner” thing isn’t going to fly.

Also, while it is understandable that the couple would be reluctant to dive into the messy issue of splitting up assets, the longer they stay legally married, the more complicated the situation becomes. This is because wealth generated during the marriage gets divided 50/50 upon divorce, whereas this is no longer the case once separation becomes official. So imagine a scenario where you’re a couple of years into your quiet divorce, and you’re starting to make a significant amount of money. Once the legal divorce proceedings begin, that hard-earned money will no doubt be contested, leaving you worse off than if you had simply filed for divorce when you realized there was no hope in the relationship.

Then there’s the uncomfortable possibility of an unexpected death. When you’re legally married and you pass away, most of your assets are given to your spouse. This obviously remains the case if you’re quietly divorced since, on paper, you are still married. Although you are free to write a will that determines how your assets are divvied up, a spouse has significant legal rights to challenge this if they believe they are being shortchanged. In other words, you have far less control over how your assets will ultimately be allocated than if you were legally divorced.

Finally, there would certainly be emotional consequences, both from the standpoint of the couple and their children. Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. When a quiet divorce takes place, the dynamics completely shift. The children notice that their parents no longer express affection towards each other. The family no longer goes on vacations together. The tension is suddenly thick. The parents’ understandings and expectations of their situation don’t align, causing the children to feel confused and anxious.

Bottom line: a transparent, constructive divorce is the best option for everybody. It produces results that are clear, clean, and fair from a legal, emotional, and financial standpoint.