10 Rules for Dating When You Struggle With Self-Worth

You might feel confident in your abilities. You make a great friend. Your employers love you. You’re a compassionate person who listens to others, offers your support, and really brings out the best in others. So how come all of these personality characteristics go out the window once you go on a date? It could be that you have selective self-esteem. You hold certain beliefs about yourself that are both wrong and counterproductive. For instance, instead of feeling like the attention you get from potential partners is a gift rather than something you deserve for being a great person.

What are the consequences of this? For one thing, it affects your approach to relationships. You develop a sense of neediness, which can really sabotage a budding romantic relationship. Then you begin to fear abandonment, and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when he/she tells you it is over before it has really even begun. This in turn leads to deep despair. What is the cause of this problem? The truth is, it’s coming from within you. But the good news is you can fix this. It won’t be easy, but if you take these 10 rules to heart, it will make a huge difference in your romantic life.

I will only date people who want to be with me

You might find yourself in a situation where you’re on a date with somebody you are deeply attracted to. But perhaps the feeling isn’t mutual and so there is no future in this relationship. So what? You aren’t missing out since it wouldn’t be a match that makes either of you happy anyway!

I’m not responsible for solving their problems

If there are certain issues in their lives and they’re walking away from you, that’s on them. The best thing about them choosing not to be a part of your life is that you don’t have to deal with their drama.

NOT being single is not a healthy goal

Nobody should get into a relationship just because they have a fear of being alone. Successful relationships happen when two people are secure in themselves and discover over time that they love the time they spend together.

My validation comes from within

Only you — and nobody else — can decide you have self-worth. So give it to yourself. You cannot spend your life depending on others to assign value to you as a human.

I will not be needy

A lot of people think that if they need somebody, throwing gifts at them or bending over backward to please them will get them to love you in return. But this is not the reality. People should love you because they love you, or they have no place in your life. People who are showered with the latest iPhones or jewelry don’t really appreciate these things because they know that rather than being earned, they were given by somebody who is overcompensating for their insecurities.

I will accept that relationships end

You may love somebody and feel genuinely hurt if they break up with you, but you can and will move on because you are good by yourself.

Not everybody has to like me

We live in a world in which there are contrasting personalities. No matter how friendly and approachable you might be, somebody is not going to like you. It could even be that they dislike friendly people! But while it might not feel good to know that somebody doesn’t like you, remind yourself that it is far more important that you like yourself since you have to spend every waking hour as yourself!

I will not allow others to mistreat me

Part of the process of developing a healthy attitude about yourself is to not allow others to walk over you or devalue you. When you’re dating somebody, you should never ask if you are worthy of them, the question should be whether they are worth your time. Do you enjoy spending time with them? What are they looking for in a relationship? As you reflect on the date, how were you feeling at the moment?

I know that there is a distinction between my feelings and the reality of the situation

Let’s be honest: trusting your feelings is often what causes you to find yourself in an unstable relationship. A better approach is to put your feelings aside and assess a situation objectively. Simply “feeling” like things will get better or that the girl will fall in love with you because that’s what your “senses” are telling you is not grounded in reality. You’ll be surprised how the new approach will lead to positive results that you have never experienced before!

I know that everybody is going to be alright

You are an amazing person. You are loved. You are important. These are truths, and it doesn’t matter what others think. Period.