Investment Strategies Based On Your Astrological Sign

Who needs to set their own course in life when you can just rely on astrology to make all of the decisions for you? That’s what we all do at our writing office and you better believe our lives are richer and more meaningful as a result! I don’t know about you, but if my horoscope warns me not to leave the house, I put on a helmet and spend the rest of the day crouched under the dining room table. You know, for good measure. Using your zodiac to determine your financial investment decisions is also a pretty bold move. Why consult a seasoned financial advisor and pay hefty commission fees when you can just glance up at the stars at night? Check out these investment strategies based on your sign.

Best Investment Vehicle for Aries: Flexible Fund

Aries are very flexible in any given situation, so it is pretty obvious that you should invest in a fund that is described as “flexible.” This is a wide-ranging collection of different stocks and bonds that seek a high return and flex and change according to how things are going in the market. This investment is also very diverse, just like Aries themselves. How about that!

Best Investment Vehicle for Taurus: Common Stock

If you’re a Taurus, chances are you like to push others around. But, hey, it’s better than being pushed around, right? Common stock is right for you because, among other things, as a shareholder you have voting rights. This means you get the right to give the company’s board members the boot simply because you feel like it. And, boy, it sure does feel good!

Best Investment Vehicle for Gemini: Small Business

Geminis have an entrepreneurial spirit that is unmatched! This is why you should invest your money in a small business. A nanny service, perchance? Or leasing private planes to wealthy folks who don’t want to fly commercial amongst all the peasants. No matter what business you start, you’re guaranteed to be a big winner!

Best Investment Vehicle for Cancer: Preferred Stock

Let’s be honest, Pisces, you love nothing more than staring out the window and daydreaming about being transformed into an indestructible cyborg. In other words, you have more important things on your mind than which stocks to invest in. This is where preferred stocks come in handy. You get your quarterly dividends and don’t have to trouble yourself with shareholder voting.

Best Investment Vehicle for Leo: Bonds

As a Leo you love to slick your hair back and wear power suits even when your only task for the day is to pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s at Walmart. For assertive, analytical types such as yourself, you always go with bonds. You love the fact that they have low volatility, which means more money in your pocket for additional Armani suits and Chubby Hubby ice cream.

Best Investment Vehicle for Virgo: High-Yield Savings Accounts

Virgos are known for two things: their angelic singing voices and their practicality. This is why a high-yield savings account is the perfect investment. As you go on tour making tons of money, you stash it all away where it collects interest and is accessible whenever you need it!

Best Investment Vehicle for Libra: Retirement Plan

Libras live a life of uncertainty. You tend to earn your money as a beatnik who performs at hipster coffee houses. In other words, you have no idea when your next paycheck is coming. This is why you would rather focus on retirement so that you never have to worry about the fact that you don’t actually have a real job ever again!

Best Investment Vehicle for Scorpio: Peer-to-Peer Lending

Compared to other investments, peer-to-peer lending is pretty niche. But as somebody who is inclined to burn cash at will, you Scorpios are making a smart decision by sticking most of your money in a non-liquid account since it means you can’t spend the investment on those Gucci alligator tote bags that you so adore. Instead, you just sit back and watch your investment grow, which you use for more modest things like Gucci snapping turtle leather tote bags.

Best Investment Vehicle for Sagittarius: Online Savings Account

One of the charming flaws of Sagittarius is that they are so indecisive about everything! Not sure whether you want lunch at Mcdonald’s or Wendy’s this afternoon? Your friends should expect to wait a few hours before you decide whether today is a Big Mac kind of day or Baconator. In a similar vein, you need time to decide how to invest your money. The life hack here is to tell you that an online savings account is your only option, which means there the decision has already been made!

Best Investment Vehicle for Capricorn: Large-Cap Growth Stocks

The typical non-Capricorn needs to drive about 8 cups of coffee before they match the energy levels of a Capricorn…and that’s only if the said Capricorn is on Xanax! You get your thrills from investing in mega corporations because of their stability. The more you invest, the bigger the payoffs. Which you will then blow at the nearby Native American casinos.

Best Investment Vehicle for Aquarius: Penny Stocks

We would typically not advocate for investing in penny stocks. While it might seem logical to imagine they’ll shoot up from 2 cents to 4 (doubling your profits!), the reality is most of these stocks lose money. But as an Aquarius, you don’t care what we say! You’re going to do what you want to do, and what you really want to do more than anything in this world is investing in penny stocks!!!

Best Investment Vehicle for Pisces: Small-Cap Growth Stocks

Unlike large-cap stocks, there is a lot more instability with small-caps because these tend to be emerging companies whose futures can only be predicted with the aid of a Magic 8 Ball. But the high volatility means better returns if your Magic 8 Ball isn’t lying to you!