The Horrific New Trend: Hipster Water

Just what the.. There are almost no words. First it was plain old tap water in bottles, labelled “mineral” or “spring” water and costing a buck a bottle. Sure, sometimes it’s handy to grab some nice hydrating water when you’re on the run. It is, after all, better than any energy drink, fizzy drink or isotonic sports juice at making you feel fresh and thoroughly, well… watered. We’re made of 70 percent water after all.

But this… this is just… man. Water with things floating in it, that’s what it is. Now perhaps water infused with lemon and cucumber is just about okay. It’s a bit like being in that nice relaxing room in the health spa after a luxurious massage. A tall glass of water with some ice and a hint of lemon is just what you need as you gaze out into the perfectly manicured garden. It kinda just goes with the feng shui of the place. So buying a bottle of that to get away from the hectic 100 miles an hour office life at lunch time is understandable.

But some of these… well you decide for yourself. But let’s just say this: they must be stopped! NOW!

1. Asparagus Water

A bottle of water with a stick or two of asparagus floating in it. That is literally what this is. Do you even like asparagus, mister hipster man? Do you want your water tasting of it? Do you ‘eck. But it looks pretentious and costs the earth so hey, ring it up and watch me walk out with my beard and sandals and corduroy jacket. None of which are ironic.

2. Artichoke Water

More green things floating in perfectly good water. Perfectly good until you dunked artichoke in it, that is. Now don’t get me wrong, artichokes are nice. Dipped in mayonaise the leaves can be lush. BUT NOT IN MY GODARN WATER! And please, it’s not arty. It’s just poncey.

3. Maple water

If it makes your water taste like pancakes, then sure, I’m in. But if it just makes it taste like rain water that’s collected in a drain for six days, then I’m out. O-U-T.

4. Dirty Lemon Water. With A Choice Of Other Guff

This one comes with charcoal, ginseng or collagen. Sorry, “infused” with charcoal or the other bits. That means someone put some charcoal in it then took it out again, basically. This is probably the nearest to a sensible one, until they did that. As the intro said, lemon in water is fine. It’s refreshing. Then they had to go and ruin it by adding collagen or ginseng or charcoal. Clearly aimed at women then. Hang on, isn’t charcoal what pregnant women eat when they have that weird urge to eat non-foods? Bit of a narrow market then, this one…

5. Cactus water

Well it’s exotic, you have to give it that. But the only good cactus water is tequila, and that’s a fact. This is just silly.