The Horrific New Trend: Hipster Water (2 of 3)

6. Volcano water

We had mineral water and spring water, now it has to be volcanic. So what does that mean, exactly? God knows. It is “Hawaiian” volcanic water, if that helps you imagine what it’s going to taste like. Actually, that’s a point, they should line all of these up and do blind taste tests. It’d be fascinating to see how many people said, “Sure, tastes like water. Next.”

7. Oxygen water

Water, AKA H20. With added 0. Well, this one at least appeals to the scientific among us, promising extra oxygen. That must be good for us, right? Right? No idea. Losing the will to live. Need a drink of water. Just not this nonsense

8. Birch water

Water with trees. Makes total sense. First there were leaves, now they’re dunking the whole tree trunk in. Just imagine little fragments of bark floating around in your nice clean water. Yummmm.

9. Black water

Because who doesn’t want black water, amirite? Totally gothic, totally useless. That’s pleonasm at its finest. Well, at least this one has the novelty factor going for it. And it has fulvic acid Yes, fulvic!!! But we’ll leave it, if it’s all the same to you.

10. Aloe water

Okay, maybe there’s some sense in this. Aloe vera is known to be hydrating, good for the skin in all sorts of ways. So if we’re not rubbing it on our faces or our fingers where we stupidly touched that hot grill, maybe imbibing it isn’t all that stupid. I’m not even going to slag this one off. Might be alright.